Foolishly Beautiful

Billy Collins recently came to do a poetry reading at our college campus. I loved his poems because they are so wonderfully simple. They delight the reader's imagination and yet at the same time our journey never leaves the living room or kitchen. His last poem that he read that night concludes, "We are all so foolish, my long bebop solo begins by saying, so damn foolish ,we have become beautiful without even knowing it." I am now listening to Please Forgive me by David Gray. The lyrics go, "Please forgive me if I act a little strange, for I know not what I do, feels like lightning running through my veins everytime I look at you. " I am always amazed when artists speak directly to my soul through their requisite medium. I am always surprised that they could be so effective at touching my heart so succintly even though we have never met. Whether it is an arresting line of poetry, beautiful love ballad, a painting rich in color, or a sculpture that is ready to walk off its podium and delight the world with its beauty and wisdom they all are amazing and worthy of praise and honor.

This idea of foolish beauty grabs my senses in a particularly profound manner because it is what my heart has been feeling now for many weeks. We are all so foolish (if you don't believe it come and view the college atmosphere on any given weekend) and yet we are all so beautiful. Even our very existence, a tremendous gift, is beauty. What if we all saw the world the way some artists do, the beauty in every line, in every movement, in every breath taken.

My favorite sermon I have ever heard was from JR Briggs regarding Vincent Van Gogh. JR explained that Van Gogh's life was filled with much sorrow and depression and yet in the times of his life that were light and joyful his paintings overflow with the color yellow. Even Starry Night, in all of its inky darkness the yellow shines through to capture the moment and illuminate the dark night in all of its splendor. I am not sure what caused Van Gogh to reach for his yellow paint brush at certain times and to cast it aside at others, but what I do understand is that we all must have something in our lives that causes the yellow to spring forth from ourselves.

Opportunities

So for the last three weeks I have been sending emails to companies and employees asking them if they have any current opportunities available. I have spelled "opportunities" wrong just about every time. Luckily I have spell checker enabled on my emails... whew. Anyway that is definetly not what I logged on to say. I have to say that I feel that I have so many opportunities in front of me. Most of this has been due to my own hard work and dedication in creating these opportunities, but I can't stop thinking, man I wish that I had less options. Now I know this is a competely ridiculous thought. I realize that I love the fact that I have such a blessed life...that I would never turn my back and spurn God's wonderful gift to me. However at this present moment I have to answer the question, "what do you want to do?" so much that I feel like I should start putting a sign on my head with all the different options written in bold with subcategories below. It might look something like this,

Consulting
Management
Human Resources
Strategy

Retail
Sporting Goods
Outdoor Goods

Financial
Financial Planner
Investment Broker
Venture Capitalist (i know its hard and like impossible, but hey somebody does it)

Entrepreneur
"so whats your idea?" (this is where I proceed to tell them that I picture myself more in the management finance type role and I am looking for a partner that does not understand the phrase, outside the box, typically they laugh and say good luck)

So I think I will just print this out and email it to everyone I know and carry around a copy copies with me so that in the appropriate situation I can whip out the handy duct tape and attach it firmly to my forehead...

But on a serious note, those paths above are all the ones that I can see myself pursuing and being happy doing them. Of course that doesnt mean that I have job offers from any of those paths...(actually job offers are at a big fat zero right now). But those are all fields that I could see myself succeeding and being happy pursuing. However, the right path is not always as easy as it seems...It seems obvious to me sometimes that I should pursue this path: Consulting (two years) MBA, Management, Oversee Small Entrepreneur firm, Merger or IPO at 35-->retire (yea). Hold on I just woke back up for a strange dream where I sailed a yacht around the world from age 35 to 90, ahh I see I also just wrote it up... option 2 puruse financial planner at firm, work way up to bigger and bigger accounts, then complete rest of path outlined above. Option three, work at retail store, move up through corporate ladder...

I am rambling... I am honestly not usually as scatter brained as I think this blog makes me out to be. I think that I use this as a vent for extra thoughts that don't have the opportunity to get out any other way. But what I think I am trying to say is that I am excited and nervous about this next decision that I am going to be making soon about when and where I will be working. It is the waiting that kills me, I am somebody that needs to actively pursue a task in order to be satisfied knowing that it will be complete, but this job search is such a passive process. Send out resumes, do follow up emails, call people, arrange meetings, then when all that is done...sit back and wait...and wait. But thats OK I just need to focus on enjoying what little time I have left in school to enjoy it and cherish the time I have left with friends that have become my family for the last four years. Soon that family will be stretched across the world and I will truly miss them all.

It really only hit me the other day that my CC family will be scattered across the globe come this spring. I was left feeling very empty, we have all been there for each other for the last four years and in the course of a few months we will all scatter and will probably never come together as a group ever again. I hope that we can reconnect in some way, in some place, some time...but my cynical nature doubts that slightly. But anyway dinner is calling me and I have been typing for far too long about nothing especially important or vexing. Good night for now.

Stress

Really stressed right now. That is about all I can say. I just feel like this whole job thing comes crashing down on me once every week. I just have these awful moments where I see my whole life coming down to whether or not I can find a stupid job this next year and then I realize that I still don't have one and that is so upsetting right now. My friends are moving into deeper stages of interviews, getting offers, etc. and it has taken me three stinking weeks just to get three resumes submitted. Plus the entire time I realize that I missed the boat leaving from the pier and that I am currently attempting to jump on the ship as it slips away from the dock. AHHHHH I just really wish that something would present itself and I could just say "Yes." So far every oppurtunity has been so much more complicated than it originally seemed. Plus about the only good offer I have gotten is from a company that really does not line up with my skillset at all.

I know that I have so much more time to figure this all out and that the job is going to come, but sometimes it just overwhelms me and I write things like this...

The thing is I am not daunted by the interviews or the resume application or any of that. I know what I have to offer, I know what the firms are looking for, and I am really not that afraid of rejection. The painful stressful part is this in between stage, where you are whittling the field and constantly trying to give yourself the best possible chance of getting an interview at these companies. That stage is long, annoying, stressful, and just difficult. Anyway I am laboring far too long on all of this, I just need to take a few deep breaths and remind myself of everything I have going for me at this point in my life and that a job will most certainly come in some capacity or another.

I should be rejoicing in the last few months of college but instead I have spent the last few weeks spending almost all of my time emailing back and forth with contacts, job opps, and thesis ideas. I just pray now that I can find a job sooner rather than later. I know that it will come, I, as always, just want it to come Now. All right time to end this little rant so I can go take some deep breaths and enjoy life for a few minutes before sleep.

Thanks

So apparently people actually read some of the stuff that I have written. I never really thought that would happen. Now to date I have had only four confirmations that anybody has read my previous posts, but that is four more than I expected. The last two days have been absolutely filled to the brim with laughter, love, and friendship. I am so thankful that I have been able to enjoy the company of friends for th last few days, it has been a tremendous blessing. To escape from what some may call my "brooding mind" has been fantastic. Lately I have been so ridiculously happy with my life that it seems absurd to want to leave it. Leaving CC might well be one of the most monumentally sad things that I ever do. The friends I have made here and the memories we have all created together has been one of the greatest experiences of my life. My hope is that I am able to take those experiences and hold onto them that I can continue to grow and learn in the face of new challenges with old memories to reinforce my values and ideals.

I often question my own courage in the face of adversity. Will I be able to overcome hardship and even success without becoming jaded and cold? Will I always be able to soak up laughter like a sponge? But then I realize this the reason Kierin is in my life. She provides me those oppurtunities to soak up laughter, she reminds me why we laugh, why we love, and why we dream foolish dreams of fantastical natures. She is my constant reminder that foolish dreams when pursued with enough passion come to fruition in reality. She is my Joy and my light and my courage in the face of overwhelming doubt or pessimisim (sp.). Anyway I really never intended this to be a tribue to Kierin, so I think I will stop there so that she is not too embarassed if she ever actually meets any of the four people that apparently read my mostly incoherent ramblings.

For right now at this very moment I am entirely, wonderfully, and joyously content.

Trevor Lance Isham

A Long Way Gone

I read this detrimentally sad book in high school titled A Long Way Gone. (thats not the actual title, i think I made this title up because thats what I wanted it to be, but anyway it doesnt really matter because not much of this has to do with any kind of book anyway.) I don't remember all the specifics of it, but basically I remember it being about growing up, the angst, the pain, the remorse, but yet through it all a longing to return. Most of the time I feel that longing. I am still unsure whether or not this is a mature response to the ideal of growing up, I truly believe it is the Peter Pan syndrome however it exists. I think part of the reason why I wish I could return to my childhood is because mine was filled with none of the angst or pain that many other children experience. My childhood was truly a Eden-like experience. I wish all children had a similar experience but unfortunately the world can often be a cruel and harsh place. Anyway I digress slightly from my topic which as per the title is a Long Way Gone.

What does it mean to be a long way gone? Does it mean that you have put a lot of distance between yourself and something that you want to escape from or maybe in a hero's journey sort of way that you have left home long ago (a proverbial "we're not in Kansas any more"). My thoughts drift to perhaps a third version...

Long way gone perhaps is an indication that we have digressed and went far down a path from which return is quite difficult, nigh impossible. Pessimists (whose camp I often find myself) would use this definition to describe the current state of American Politics. Long Way Gone... Tonight I would like to attempt to explore this idea, especially with its relevance to the current political storm that is galavanting its way across the company in the form of the Democratic and Republican Caucauses (sp.).

How did our political system get so bad that all a candidate has to do is be charismatic and run a campaign on change to be elected? How has our country become so divided and hostile that the biggest issue on the table is what candidate can draw people "across the lines." Which because of the language used seems to suggest that the biggest issue (at least for the democrats) is what candidate can make traitors out of the opposing candidates camp. Senator Obama is running on a campaign he names the "campaign of hope" and has written a book called "the audacity to hope." I am not denying that many Americans need hope, that many Americans need to be hopeful about their future, however my great fear is that many Americans are also not listening to what they are supposed to be hopeful about. What does Senator Obama offer that should inspire me to hope, hope for hope's sake is for those people that have nothing else to turn to, nowhere else to go but hope. I don't think, nor do I ever think that America and its people will ever get to that point.

My fear is rooted in the belief that you must vote for your elected officials by the merits of their accomplishments, the values and beliefs they hold to be most dear, and their ability to hold the promises they make. I genuinely believe that no political candidate has ever made promises during the campaign without the intention of actually doing them. I believe that they never had the ability to follow through on those promises in the first place. It would be as if I promised you that tomorrow if you voted for me in some election I would jump into the air and fly around the campus. Now I might have every intention of flying around the campus if I get your vote, that is not the issue, the issue is that I physically/factually can not fly. That is the problem with many candidates, they have the intention just not the ability. This is why I believe that one of the considerations we make of our candidates when deciding to vote is, "what is their future ability to get their promises done." When we examine our political situations in that lens it is often times hard to tell, however I would like to clear up one huge misconception being made by the American people. Just because a candidate can make voters "cross the line" says absolutely nothing about the candidates ability to make fellow politicians "cross the line."

I am beginning to digress again...

A long way gone...I fundamentally disagree that America is a Long Way Gone. Mostly because I believe in the resilency (sp.) of our government and our nation. I believe that any mistake can be rectified and I believe that history has yet to play itself out to conclude on any of the current "messes" that we find ourselves in.

A long way gone... perhaps one can be a long way from a certain point we were in life, but I never feel that the point we left from is out of our reach. It takes a retracing of our steps and a deep concerted effort to admit the places we went wrong, but it is not impossible nor improbable.

A long way gone...perhaps its not really as far away as we think...

Trevor Lance Isham

January 29, 2008

I have begun this blog more myself than anybody else really. See I like to keep a journal but feel that it takes so long to write all that I want to in a journal and so a blog seemed like the next best thing to use. Lately I have taken on a variety of positions in many different roles here on campus, I feel like I should list them all just to let the gravity of the weight of responsibility sink in. Supervisor of Intramural Soccer, CFO Catalyst Newspaper, Downtown Springs WyldLife Leader, boyfriend of Kierin Amundson, Thesis student, and job candidate, not to mention friend to many other people as well and son of two parents and oldest brother to five siblings.

I have always juggled many different positions, worn a lot of hats if you will, however I am looking forward to not having to wear some of those hats for very much longer. I don't like performing tasks just to put money in the bank and unfortunately that is what some of my positions have become. My Uncle David taught me that the single most valuable commodity that we possess is Time. Time can not be traded in, returned, or exchanged it is the most permanent substance that I know of and should be treated with the greatest amount of respect and reverance possible. That is why keeping priorities clear is of the utmost importance as we live our life through the medium of time. In the coming future my priorities will be more mine to decide than they ever have been before. It's strange though because although I am entering the most indepedent time of my life I feel the most burdened with responsibility. I feel the expectations of friends and family to achieve greatness. I feel the personal expectation to live a full and meaningful life that is abundant in every quality.

It is that last one that worries me beyond all the others. I understand what it means to follow Christ in love, but I have no idea what abundant life is promised for me. Many have followed Christ and had what I considered to be pretty crappy lives. Many have followed and lived lives of luxury, and there are still some that are in the middle. Ahh too late to muse on such things. Perhaps I should explain the title of my blog and then just call it a night...

The title of my blog is enafsmatikos apokalypsi which is Greek for thought provoking revelation. I hope that not only do I provoke my own thought when write and read my blog that may become revelation, but that anybody else that stumbles upon this blog be provoked into thought by my humble attempts at revelation. Thanks for reading.

Trevor Lance Isham