Exploring Loneliness

The idea that God knows everything about me is perhaps the most comforting part of his nature. As the waves rolled into the shore of Lake Michigan today and the sun painted cotton candy pink across the hazy blue sky I reached back into the wellspring of memory. Walking down the beach holdings hands with the summer girl, watching Trapper sprint down the sand in the fading light out the back window of our jeep, the crab bake with the fire so high it burnt the clouds, a late night an empty heart and no one singing, the shock of water warmer than the air, a full moon, a dark sea, and my greatest friends of all time in arms reach, and an ocean so raw it was obvious the water was indeed God’s untamed spirit. These memories are forever locked into time and space and only I have the ability to recall them at will. This is the ultimate loneliness. A lifetime of memories and a quest to be understood, perhaps that is a definition of humanity. But of course our comfort must come from God the creator who is, in a word, amongst. This loneliness is what drives us towards spouses and community. It is the basic emotion that drives us to social groups instead of isolation and never have I understood it as much as I do know, writing alone on a beach with only the gull’s cries and the waves comforting brush against the earth.


It is getting cold as the sun sets. The cool breeze chills my skin, warning me of the frost, ice, and snow that is to follow in the months to come. My hair pulls back in the breeze and I am reminded of a similar night on a spit of sand surrounded by water on the Sea of Cortez. My hands are beginning to shake and the lightless decoy sets come to mind my gloved hands frozen between my Dad's steaming naked hands. The city glistens from the last rays of the fading sun and this new merger of myself, space, and time create another memory that will be recalled in some distant future. Just as the light fades so must we, but for now I will remember myself and trust that my memory is protected by my God and that collective will be treasured as much as I do now.

Walking back with my hands in my pockets I was dreaming of what could be and I passed two boys aged about five playing in their front yard. One came running out of the bushes holding the front of his pants and said “I gotta go inside. I got some on my pants. Guard my scooter buddy” I still have a smile on my face…it was a strangely beautiful moment. It does not surprise me one bit that Christ spent much of his time amongst children! I pray that in our adult lives we still have that “buddy” that will guard our scooter as we take time to clean ourselves up from one of life’s many pitfalls.

“Guard my scooter buddy.”